CLIMATE motion minister Richard Bruton is to introduce a ‘radical’ suite of options to the continued battle in opposition to singe-use plastics, together with the banning of plastic plates, plastic cutlery, plastic cups, and plastic paddies who proudly put on their Easter Lilies for one evening of the 12 months earlier than spending the opposite 364 being overtly vital about Sinn Fein.
The federal government is hoping the ban will lead to a major drop in plastic wastage, a major improve in plastic recycling, and a near-total abolition of lads loudly singing the ‘Ooh Ah Up the Ra’ portion of Wolfe Tones songs after they’re drunk, although they’ve by no means been north of Drogheda of their lives.
With the common Irish particular person creating 59kg of plastic waste per 12 months – effectively over the EU common – the federal government acknowledged that they’re going to ‘get robust’ on individuals who wilfully flout the brand new plastics legal guidelines, in addition to being robust on anybody who frequently attends All-Eire finals with out ever supporting their native groups in the course of the membership championships.
“Whereas it’s true that plastic paddies aren’t really plastic and subsequently non recyclable, we simply thought we’d embrace them within the new ban as they’re a pack of doses,” stated a spokesperson.
”Bandwagon jumpers, pretend republicans, lads who do shit Gerry Adams impressions, pricks with tricolours on their profile pics… any kind of public home republicanism will probably be stamped out by 2025. Oh, and we’re banning good cotton buds too in favour of the shit paper ones”.
In the meantime, the IRA has additionally promised to do their bit for the setting, stating that each one post-Brexit bombing campaigns will solely be carried out utilizing single-use plastic explosives any more.